Yes its been a while,
yes I said id try and right more but..
things are never straightforward this is a way to vent and type it all out so if you don’t like it or don’t want to read it I don’t care end of the day all I want to do is feel happy with myself!
im going to try and not type an essay as this could take way to long. Since I last typed a lot has happened with everything. I had my interview for the fra I didn’t get in which has left me all mixed up and confused as that is all I’ve had to keep me going for the last two years with everything going on around me I have always thought I would be in a different situation in a few years time and will be able to prove to myself that I am capable and happy with myself. so not getting in has left me with the fact im due to finish college in two months with nothing in the future planned. all I have is my job which is part time and that I do enjoy and love doing but I don’t think I could stand doing it five days a week right now!
so now that im staying put for a year at least im going to be productive with it and work towards making myself better in a variety of ways and methods im going to stay part time at next and do as much overtime as possible and put money aside. while I use the time to find myself and feel confident and happy about myself. im going to go and see a councillor and talk it all out everything down to the smallest detail so hopefully ill be able to move forward with my life. As if anything the last few months ive been getting worse I used to be okay go through dips of feeling down and alone now it seems constant yes I have amazing people around me that I love dearly but they all have their own lives don’t need my issues and thoughts getting in the way.
Yes I have things that i’m looking forward to such as my weekend with the girls at vfestival but even that doesn’t seem to put me out of my dark mood. as well as this I have the fact that I relapsed the first time in two years I let in and did it and i’m feeling ruff about it. as well as other factors going on around me with family and friends people that are in my life or not i’m getting paranoid about it all and there isn’t anyone anymore I can confide in with out feeling bad.